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Fiction: Flashing My Tatas, or How to Raise My Chess Rating

By Julie C. Judes
arttimes online August 16, 2016

Ok, so my chess rating is 105. It has gone up – from 100. I should be happy, right? You've got to be kidding. Speaking of kids, though, a 3-year-old can surpass my chess skills. But I have a plan. It doesn't involve anything painstaking, tedious, time-consuming or boring such as studying previous chess games, analyzing chess openings, mid games, and end games. No siree. It's time for my tatas to pitch in or, rather, to plop out.

The European Women's Championship has established a dress code – no short skirts and no décolletage. In other words, no beaver shots and no jug glimpses. Elasticized waist pull-up pants and turtlenecks will be smiled upon, and perhaps sold in the hallways during tournaments, alongside chess improvement books, Bobby Fischer biographies, and chess sets. Gotta keep the guys' eyes on the game.

As far as I know, women chess players in the United States can wear what they want during tournaments, so…

Before the next tournament I compete in, I'm gonna dig through my closet. Marching into the tournament hall with those gold tassels and matching butt skimmer skirt that I've kept for special occasions might be a bit unsubtle. But how about the black leather bustier with the zipper in the center that might get stuck halfway up? I can always ask an adult male opponent if he would be so kind as to help me unstick it. Of course, I can always wear the flimsy see-through low cut peasant top with the drawstring that might get entangled among the chess pieces as I am contemplating my next move. Again, I might need assistance so that the playing field will not be in disarray. Or, I could always wriggle into my favorite ribbed tight tank top, the one with the saying, "Do you have any mating material?" on it.

Whatever I choose to wear, I will be certain to lean way over the chess board throughout the game, making sure, of course, that no chess pieces disappear beneath my bountiful boobies. Perhaps I will develop an itch in my cleavage that I will feel the need to scratch between moves. Or, I can ask my opponent if he would mind waiting a moment, as I must stand up to adjust my lace thong because I feel I am developing a wedgie.

In any case, it's your turn to move.

(Julie C. Judes in Glendale, WI)