Film: Cineland Reality Equal Housing Opportunity
By Henry P. Raleigh
ART TIMES Fall 2015
NOW IS THE TIME TO BUY! Interest rates never lower- reduced fees- no fees- credit no problem- check out these recent listings (prices on request):
EXCLUSIVE: “Last house on Cemetery Lane” (2013) made over charming five-bedroom manor house. Also available as rental, month-to-month, or seasonal depending on how much you can take. Comes complete with permanent third floor tenant, Agnes, elderly lady, no bother at all, due to be smothered by a real estate agent who is insane but means well. The up-dated bathroom has unique blood-dripping feature. The boiler is new. The home of your dreams is here. A REAL STEAL.
(Don’t confuse with “House by the Cemetery” (1981) a déclassé house, poor special-effects)
EXCLUSIVE: “House of Last thins” (2013) Build in 1952, currently “depressed” and “unhinged”. Constructed on what was once a golf course, there is yet a small problem with old golf balls flying here and there. The yellow balloons on strings are attractive and do make nice conversation pieces- unless they become angry and gang up on you. Keeping up with the current trend in bathrooms, the house boasts a shower that can easily wash off embarrassing tattoos. There is symbolic significance to all this which is revealed when someone climbs up an apple tree with a garden hose. Another plus is a small wisenheimer (old slang term. aka- smartass) boy who stares and may be real or not. The owner is MOTIVATED TO SELL.
EXCLUSIVE: “House At the End of Time” (2013). The perfect vacation get-a-way. Talk about “Location, location, location”- built in 1801 by an English mason who wasn’t aware he was in Venezuela and on instructions from an “inner voice”. The voice spoke only in Spanish of which the mason knew only “Dios Mios” and “Vamos” and was never seen again. A great fixer-upper if you have a good supply of bricks. An old woman (not the same one in “Last House”) will show you around the basement, the best architectural feature of the house, where she had done in her husband, served thirty years in prison and learned to smoke. Any questions should be addressed to Victoria the Fortune Teller who lives just around the corner. Vicky is blind but can “see beyond time” or so she claims. ($5000 American for 15 minutes beyond) may be purchased on a short sale. DON’T MISS THIS ONE!
SPECIAL BARGAIN: “Homebound” (2014) so-called because here is the home you’ve always wanted and would never leave. Formerly known as Halfway Home of Horror it has been completely renovated. All chains and leather things removed. An extra is Eugene who everyone thought was dead but actually lives behind a shelf of canned good in this gothic revival house. He fixes clocks but isn’t very good with electricity. The house down have NRE or Negative Reserve Energy the result of a very moody person having been stabbed sixty-seven times with a dinner fork before the entree could be served. Local gossip has it at sixty and dessert. WELCOME HOME! ‘
‘ BARGAINS, BARGAINS, AND MORE!! There may be something in these older listings that is perfect for you and AFFORDABLE -
“House that dropped Blood” (1970) dreamy
“House of Flying Daggers” (2004) exciting
“House of the Devil” (2009) Just for you
“Old Dark House” (1963) needs TLC
AND MORE TRY US- CINELAND REALTY
FLASH! JUST IN! “The Cottage” (2012) Stylish summer rental just for you in sunny California. Everything you could want for your vacation heaven including several sultry teenagers and a private swimming pool. Enjoy long leisurely days in the sun and busy evenings of west coast???? Your summer concludes with an orgy of fast edited stabbings.
DON’T MISS- THIS BEAUTY WON’T LAST LONG!