Fiction: 1594-1595 Dissing Shakespeare and Lovin’ It: Love’s Labour’s Lost
By Don Maurer
arttimesjournal September 28, 2018
Young, bored, restless and intellectually challenged, mostly the latter, King of Navarre Ferdinand fosters witless life style. Making the Kardashians, Duck Dynasty and minions of New Jersey the Illuminati. Ferdinand proposes three years of intensive study of literature and arts. Fasting one day per week. One meal per day otherwise. Three hours of sleep per night. No communication or contact with women. What! King’s codicil prohibits women no closer to the court than one mile. And you thought Navy Seals were tough. Somebody’s confused. Has to be a tragedy.
What’s even more unbelievable Ferdinand convinces three courtiers; Dumb, (Biron), Dumber (Longueville) and Dumbest (Dumaine) to commit to above regimen. The tres amigos, who wouldn’t be accepted at any other reputable court in Christendom, blithely sign on the dotted line. Fortunate they could even write their names.
Do you believe these young dudes will go cold turkey for three years? What’s that hermaphroditic bard on now? Oath breakers will be subject to public shame and humiliation. Couldn’t be any worse than performing in the play.
Brion reminds dullard King of courtly duties to visiting no-name Princess.
Ferdinand thanks his buddy for reminding him about sovereign responsibility contritely regretting breaking oath so precipitously.
Don Adriano de Armado, an affected Spanish braggart we initially expect great things from. Quickly let’s us down by signing stupid contract. Is even more intellectually challenged than Ferdinand which is saying something. Absolutely no reason for the role in this play. Must’ve wandered off the set of Don Quixote. Dramatist was paying off election bet providing role for a friend. Randy Armado compulsively breaks oath writing love letters to local honey bunny Jaquenetta. Nice relationship they had because Jaquenetta can’t read.
Nubile no-name Princess and equally comely and personable ladies-in-waiting Rosaline, Maria and Katherine are amused at cute little boy’s club. How can you respect a no-name Princess with or without dialogue?
Under pretext of courtly duties Ferdinand eagerly attends the Princess and masked ladies in a park one mile away from court. Failing to pass a balanced budget and saddled with increasing debt ceiling, Ferdinand’s saving money accommodating visitors in a tent rather than hosting them in the palace. There’s also some nonsense that the palace was closed to tours because a sequester budget wasn’t passed. Biggest disappointment was cancellation of children’ palace tours.
That his courtiers accompany him is inconsistent with their oaths. But hey. This is only the playwright and not Hollywood or professional sports where contracts are dutifully honored.
Armado’s love letter to Jaquenetta is intercepted. Read by ladies-in-waiting.
Exposes English myth about being bad form reading other peoples mail. Clandestine letter from Biron to Rosaline goes astray to Jaquenetta. She seeks a local curate busybody (a totally unnecessary role) to read it to her. King’s next to write a love letter.
Biron’s the first oath breaker among the tres amigos. Longueville and Dumaine soon follow. I told you so.
Consistent with their oath the King and courtiers visit the park again. This time cleverly disguised as Muscovites or Russians which the smug playwright hastens to point out, if we’re unfamiliar with the term. Kind of snotty if you ask me. Don’t even ask about the rationale for disguises.
Masked Princess and attendants receive royal party. Her servant Boyet serves as spokesman retaining pretext of honoring King’s oath. Boyet’s SATs are higher than King’s and his posse all together. You think a princess sent to negotiate payment of 100,000 crowns and title to a French province (Has to be the Aquitaine) the size of Rhode Island will decline Ferdinand’s visit? Masked women mischievously exchange roles (more mistaken identities) easily confusing intellectually challenged courtiers/Muscovites/Russians vainly hitting on them. Women have all the best lines. Navarre’s in bad shape with Ferdinand as El Jefe.
“King and courtiers can’t stay away. Return to park very next day.” Critics scramble to identify this line from various folios. Will never find it. Women toy with King, Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest. Love fun and games provided by lively madcap Russian visitors. Duh! King’s party finally recognize ladies duplicity acknowledging they’ve been had.
Minor players spontaneously and obviously unrehearsed unaccountably perform a play within a play. Commonly resorted to by the bard as a fall back position for a weak play. Armado playing the role of Hector (He who was stomped on by Achilles) is outed as two month enceinte Jaquenetta’s boy toy. Ladies love ersatz play. Still have the best lines.
No-name French King dies. Don’t be cast as a no-name character in his plays because bad things happen to you. Insertion of such a somber note in fluffy production is another example of the dramatist’s undisciplined plotting and disdain for the audience.
Perhaps another playwright’s contribution as the bard’s interest waned.
Sycophants rhapsodize over mood change. Only the great man could bring this off. Insertion brings reality to production. Bah! Nothing but unnecessary and pretentious dross. Princess and ladies prepare to return to France. Can’t leave too soon for British. French ladies sick and tired of nasty putdowns from audiences who don’t understand their refined language. Hard hearted French women sentence besotted love-sick swains to cold rations for a year before they’ll consider suitor’s marriage proposals.
Ferdinand’s sent by no-name Princess to a hermitage for prayer and meditation for his sacrifice. What a wimp. She’s lucky to be alive to crack the whip at the end of the play considering she had no name. Biron was sent as a candy striper to a hospital emptying bed pans. Dolts received just deserts. Practical Jaquenetta extracts three years of servitude of hard farming from obviously guilty Armado. Latter may be the model for Cervantes Sancho Panza. Some scholars dispute this assertion.
If men prefer The Taming of the Shrew, women groove on this play as ladies call all the shots. Virgin Queen must’ve loved this play. Men pay steep price for breaking vows of silence with women.
I couldn’t stand it, if they ever found Love’s Labour’s Won. The Source (The Oxford Shakespeare 2005) firmly asserts that such a play was authored by the dramatist.
With between 500-1500 copies once in circulation, toadies consider it’s rather surprising a single copy hasn’t been found, when only a single manuscript of another purported play Cardenio has surfaced. Me also. One doesn’t exactly get a warm, fuzzy feeling of confidence about the validity of these lost or fabricated non-existent plays.
Present play’s a light weight; no a fly weight production to be sure. Supporters desperately struggle to identify a redeeming feature. Get this. Lamely submit the play sounds better performed than reading it. Tell me if you can. Would the word ”honorificabilitudinitatibus” sound better on the stage or reading it? That’s a 27 letter word folks expressed by Costard a minor character in Act 5. Scene 1. Not a lot of 27 letter words floating around these days. Maybe in one of Thomas Pynchon’s books. But no. The bard’s pedantry preceded his.
The Source ponderously intoned that this play has long been regarded as a play of excessive verbal sophistication of interest mainly because of supposed typical allusions. Hey! I didn’t make this up. My allusions are obvious. Last hurrah here is that a number of 20th century productions have revealed its theatrical mastery. Argh!!!! Reaching. You be the judge.