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Film: The Dangers of Garbage

By Henry P. Raleigh
ART TIMES Summer 2016

Snarks

It is about time of the most pressing issues of our time is fearlessly and honestly faced up to by movie makers. And such a film I can tell you is “3 Headed Shark Attack”. At this writing no other critic, not even those internet busy-bodies, have yet tumbled to this remarkable movie. Ok, it doesn’t boast a cast of celebrity stars although Danny Trejo is a name sort of recognizable - you know, he’s that scary looking, tattooed, all purpose Hispanic in every B film of the past thirty years. And this 2015 movie should be confused with the 2013 “Sharknado” which is little more than a silly remake of “Jaws” with a lot more sharks, all one-headed and with no significant “meaning” other than a vague passing reference to global warming. “3-Headed Shark Attack” has “meaning”- hard hitting, scientific meaning. Right off the bat the movie starts out in a scientific research facility and a dedicated team of scientists intently studying the “giant vortex of ocean pollution.” You see that’s where the ocean’s garbage goes. Called the garbage patch (the vortex not the facility) and where perfectly, innocent sea creatures feed on a rich diet of garbage, largely composed of beer cans, carelessly discarded by heedless youths, members of the millennial generation, and willy-nilly mutate (the sea creatures not the millennials.) The 3-headed shark is one of the more spectacular mutations possessing an ability to growl under water. It has devastated a resort, growling and eating up all the young, heedless, beer guzzling millennials, save one. We might be reminded of those late 70’s piranha movies where large quantities of heedless, wildly partying members of a generation known then as “yuppies” met a similar fate. In a grisly repeat this current generation of garbage tossing, beer swilling, heedless youths come again to this bloody end. In quick succession the science facility is destroyed by the monster, the scientists escaping along with a gaggle of right thinking, animal rights activist millennials who had shown up to assist in the garbage study. Hoping to be rescued by a cruise ship packed stem-to-stem with more heedless, sex crazed, partying, garbage tossing millennials. Well, you can bet the three-headed beast makes pretty short work of most of this bunch, too. Even when Mr.Trejo, coming upon this carnage, lops off one of the shark’s heads three more replaced it gulping down the luckless Mr.Trejo. Nothing seems to stop this rampaging creature until the millennials, in a moment of brilliance, propose to throw even more garbage into the garbage patch attracting the shark, who now with five-hungry heads to satisfy, will go into a feeding frenzy and will consume itself along with all those beer cans and other miscellaneous debris swirling in the vortex. And that’s what they do.

The film ends with one of right-thinking, teetotaler activist millennials sternly pronouncing these prophetic words. “This is what happens when people just throw their garbage where ever they want.”